Recently a girl reached out to me about her long term relationship and some issues she was dealing with. I felt honored that she respected my thoughts enough to want my opinion on everything....and then it got me thinking. This wasn't the first time I have had this talk with other girls. Hey, I even went through this exact feeling in my last relationship. Its something that I know is VERY hard to admit, not just to others but to yourself....and I hope in writing this and being open about it everyone who may be experiencing the same thing can find solace in the fact that you're not alone.
I have always been in love with love. Falling in love, being in love. Its one of, if not- is the best feeling in the world. Its a certain feeling you only feel with a select few. When your whole body is filled with butterflies and your stomach is constantly tied in knots. When just the mere touch of their hand on your shoulder runs tingles up and down your spine. Just the thought of them makes your body feel warm and your face light up. All you can think about is them. It's like you're living in a dream.
Love can be the most exciting thing in the world. But it can also be the scariest thing in the world. Being that open and vulnerable with someone. Its terrifying. Especially if you have been hurt before in the past.
I've told you before how I stopped believing in love after my last serious relationship. I just didn't think it existed anymore. I use to believe in soul mates. I really did think there was that one person out there for you and some how God was going to bring that person into your life. But here's where things went off track for me.....I knew the guy in my last relationship wasn't the one I was suppose to be with, yet I stayed with him..& put up a happy front. Why I chose to stay as long as I did, is something I still deal with. I knew deep down inside he wasn't the one for me. He wasn't my soulmate. I wasn't even in love with him. Sure I loved him as a person, as my best friend but I didn't have any of those crazy out of control feelings you experience when you're really in love. I mean, I did at first. Maybe the first few months of our relationship but even then things started out really shitty and I think the feelings were more one sided on my part than him.
Now I know those crazy feelings you feel in the beginning do not last forever. I get that. But it had gotten to a point where I didn't even want to kiss him. I didn't even want him to hug me. It just felt wrong. That can't be love....to not even want to kiss. And here I was staying with him, doing everything for him and for our relationship. But why? Why was I so content on making this thing work, when I knew in my gut he wasn't the one. My gut would scream at me..."kelly! he's not the one! what are you doing?! this is wrong and you know it!"
But I chose to ignore it. I made the intentional choice to ignore what my gut was telling me. I would try to justify it with stupid excuses. I was a fucking idiot to say the least. I wasted so much time with someone who never should've had me to begin with.
I realized I was staying in this relationship because it was comfortable. It felt safe. I told myself I rather be with him than get hurt again.
What the fuck was I thinking?
When I really sat down and thought about why I was trying to make it work with this person I knew the answer behind it. I was scared of being single. I was scared of dating shitty guys again and getting hurt. I was scared of being alone. I was basically risking true love and happiness because I was a fucking pussy. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. So I stayed in a relationship way longer than I should've and wasted my time.
However, there is a happy ending as you know....one day it just clicked. That was it. I wasn't going to settle anymore. I wasn't going to try and make this so called "relationship" work. I didn't love this person. This person clearly didn't love me....and did not deserve me. I was done being scared. I wasn't going to let the single life scare me anymore. I realized that I rather be alone and happy then to settle.
So I ended it. I finally did it. It was actually one of the most freeing days in my life. I knew I made the right choice. Thats what happens when you listen to your gut. All of a sudden everything in the world seems right again. There isn't that one thing weighing you down anymore. You're free.
Im telling you this because I know some of you are in the same situation right now and I want you to listen to your gut. Don't settle for good when you can have great. You know the truth deep down. Don't push it aside like I did.
Now the single life as I have expressed many times before has been intense. Dating is harder than ever....& the first few months of being single were hard...BUT it was better than being with him. I never once regretted my decision. And now as it inches towards almost a year since its been over....i am ready to love again. Of course I'm scared shitless to put myself out there and to fall in love....but I have started believing in love again and that feels good. I've learned so much over this past year and I finally feel confident in myself that I won't be settling for anything short of the best. Its going to be scary and there will always be ups & downs...but as How I Met Your Mother said it -
Loves the best thing we do.