4.09.2014

stop settling

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Recently a girl reached out to me about her long term relationship and some issues she was dealing with. I felt honored that she respected my thoughts enough to want my opinion on everything....and then it got me thinking. This wasn't the first time I have had this talk with other girls. Hey, I even went through this exact feeling in my last relationship. Its something that I know is VERY hard to admit, not just to others but to yourself....and I hope in writing this and being open about it everyone who may be experiencing the same thing can find solace in the fact that you're not alone.

I have always been in love with love. Falling in love, being in love. Its one of, if not- is the best feeling in the world. Its a certain feeling you only feel with a select few. When your whole body is filled with butterflies and your stomach is constantly tied in knots. When just the mere touch of their hand on your shoulder runs tingles up and down your spine. Just the thought of them makes your body feel warm and your face light up. All you can think about is them. It's like you're living in a dream.

Love can be the most exciting thing in the world. But it can also be the scariest thing in the world. Being that open and vulnerable with someone. Its terrifying. Especially if you have been hurt before in the past.

I've told you before how I stopped believing in love after my last serious relationship. I just didn't think it existed anymore. I use to believe in soul mates. I really did think there was that one person out there for you and some how God was going to bring that person into your life. But here's where things went off track for me.....I knew the guy in my last relationship wasn't the one I was suppose to be with, yet I stayed with him..& put up a happy front. Why I chose to stay as long as I did, is something I still deal with. I knew deep down inside he wasn't the one for me. He wasn't my soulmate. I wasn't even in love with him. Sure I loved him as a person, as my best friend but I didn't have any of those crazy out of control feelings you experience when you're really in love. I mean, I did at first. Maybe the first few months of our relationship but even then things started out really shitty and I think the feelings were more one sided on my part than him.

Now I know those crazy feelings you feel in the beginning do not last forever. I get that. But it had gotten to a point where I didn't even want to kiss him. I didn't even want him to hug me. It just felt wrong. That can't be love....to not even want to kiss. And here I was staying with him, doing everything for him and for our relationship. But why? Why was I so content on making this thing work, when I knew in my gut he wasn't the one. My gut would scream at me..."kelly! he's not the one! what are you doing?! this is wrong and you know it!"

But I chose to ignore it. I made the intentional choice to ignore what my gut was telling me. I would try to justify it with stupid excuses. I was a fucking idiot to say the least. I wasted so much time with someone who never should've had me to begin with.

I realized I was staying in this relationship because it was comfortable. It felt safe. I told myself I rather be with him than get hurt again.

What the fuck was I thinking?

When I really sat down and thought about why I was trying to make it work with this person I knew the answer behind it. I was scared of being single. I was scared of dating shitty guys again and getting hurt. I was scared of being alone. I was basically risking true love and happiness because I was a fucking pussy. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. So I stayed in a relationship way longer than I should've and wasted my time.

However, there is a happy ending as you know....one day it just clicked. That was it. I wasn't going to settle anymore. I wasn't going to try and make this so called "relationship" work. I didn't love this person. This person clearly didn't love me....and did not deserve me. I was done being scared. I wasn't going to let the single life scare me anymore. I realized that I rather be alone and happy then to settle.

So I ended it. I finally did it. It was actually one of the most freeing days in my life. I knew I made the right choice. Thats what happens when you listen to your gut. All of a sudden everything in the world seems right again. There isn't that one thing weighing you down anymore. You're free.

Im telling you this because I know some of you are in the same situation right now and I want you to listen to your gut. Don't settle for good when you can have great. You know the truth deep down. Don't push it aside like I did.

Now the single life as I have expressed many times before has been intense. Dating is harder than ever....& the first few months of being single were hard...BUT it was better than being with him. I never once regretted my decision. And now as it inches towards almost a year since its been over....i am ready to love again. Of course I'm scared shitless to put myself out there and to fall in love....but I have started believing in love again and that feels good. I've learned so much over this past year and I finally feel confident in myself that I won't be settling for anything short of the best. Its going to be scary and there will always be ups & downs...but as How I Met Your Mother said it -


Loves the best thing we do. 





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4.07.2014

naked pictures

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Okay so I want to touch on a subject that has been happening a lot around me and to tell you why I think it has to stop.

sexting. 

Now there is a wide range of types of sexting. There's texting semi/nude photos, videos, texting dirty, sending dirty snapchats....and I am sure there's more that I just don't know about.

Personally I have never been a sexter. Its not my thing. But I know a lot of people who do it. Now it's one thing to get flirty via text but its a whole different game when you start to take it too far. Especially when your sexting with someone you aren't even serious with.

I just can't see the logic behind it as to why girls feel the need to text naked photos of themselves to guys they're talking too. Right off the bat you're already giving them the wrong impression. You girls, & I know not all of you, but the ones that are looking to settle down, what part of you thinks texting a naked picture to a guy gives the right message? You want a guy to take you seriously and like you for you, yet you're texting him naked pictures giving him the impression you're just looking for some fun.

Men are not going to take home the girl who texts naked photos to his mother. He's just not. But what I want to understand is WHY do we feel the need to do that? Is it because we are just so desperate for some attention we will risk everyone seeing that naked text just to hear 'hot' from the guy we like? Has it really come to that?

Come on girls, we are better than that! What happened to a little mystery? There are enough of those types of girls out there already....#sorrynotsorry


It's time to be different. Some how along the way we have lost sight of being the nice girls our parents brought us up to be. There aren't enough of those girls left anymore, but it doesn't have to continue being like that. We can be traditional when it comes to relationships. We don't have to succumb to what everyone else is doing around us. 

Different is a good thing.


Let's make being nice cool again. Being a hussy doesn't make you cool. Having respect for yourself and your body does.

Remember that.





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4.01.2014

worth the wait.

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In my last post I touched on sex and waiting until you're in a serious relationship to have it....& I had a friend ask me a question in regards to the post. She wanted to know that when put in that situation when things start to get all hot and steamy whats my reason?

My reaction was what do you mean whats my reason? You need to have a reason as to why you don't want to give your body to someone you're not sure about? It got to me because I feel like we as women feel the need to explain ourselves about something that doesn't really need explaining.

Let me explain.

Its one thing to be honest with your partner and let them know whats going on, but what I am referring to is that guy you've been hooking up with for a few weeks, that really hasn't even acknowledged what you are to him. That guy. We have all been 'with' that guy. I put 'with' in quotes because you and I both know you're not sure if you're officially with him or if you're just a hookup. Its that guy who always plays the 'why not' card. Who just assumes that after a few fun drunken hookups you're going to go all the way with him....& what I am trying to say is you don't have to explain and feel bad for what you're feeling.

Think about it girls, its like we feel bad for not being ready. Its like we're scared that they're going to get mad and leave us.......re-read what I just said - "we're scared that they're going to get mad and leave us"....does that really sound like the person we should be sleeping with? If a guy that you're interested in, that you have been hooking up with doesn't understand why you're not ready to sleep with him , he is not the guy you should be with. If he truly did want to be with you, he would be willing to wait because he knows that
YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT. 

You know I use to think guys like that didn't exist anymore. Guys that respected girls and weren't just after getting laid. When my mom would preach to me about it, I would roll my eyes and tell her that if those guys did exist they weren't living around me. I think I used to use that as an excuse as to why I would give it away so easily. Tell myself that everybody's doing it. Im never going to find and keep someone if I don't.

Stupid. So stupid. Because that wasn't true. It isn't true.

Those guys do exist we just have to wait to find them. We have to stop settling for what we have and wait until we get the real thing. I stopped believing in love after my huge breakup a year ago. I stopped believing in the real thing....but I realized if I truly wanted the real thing I had to work for it. And that meant having respect for myself and realizing that I am worth the wait.

We're all worth the wait.





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3.27.2014

sex talk

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So I want to talk about a touchy, kinda personal subject but I think its something that needs to be discussed openly.

sex. 

It's everywhere. It's all everybody is doing & talking about. If you're not having sex, something is clearly wrong with you, right?


WRONG.

Before I go on though, let me start by saying I like sex as much as the next person but what i'm talking about is something different.

Lets go back to when you were a virgin. Holding onto your virginity was a big deal & not something you gave away so quickly. In my first serious relationship I was with my boyfriend for 8 months before I gave it away. I mean it could've been longer but nowadays thats like forever to some people.

I feel like after you lose it, it all goes downhill from there. You're not so quick to hold onto it for so long when you're in a new relationship. You kind of have the mentality of 'fuck it, i've already done it once'....and I did have that mentality for awhile. Giving away the milk for free. I've talked about it before, how the old saying 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free'...is true. Its so simple yet so hard to practice.

SO why do we feel like we have to give it up so easily? Now I know a lot of girls aren't like that & are pretty classy about it all, but I also know a lot of girls that give it up way too soon and they wonder why the guy starts to disappear after.

I understand what its like to get caught up in your emotions & the moment...been there done that too many times...but let me tell you this --- every relationship that started where I gave it up too quickly, never, ever, worked out. They either ended right away...& let me tell you that's a brutal feeling, or they lasted a few months....that in reality, was just a shitty game of cat & mouse.

Its frustrating & hard. Your heart takes a few beatings, thats for sure...but when things aren't working in my life and I keep getting the same result, I change it. Change can be tricky. Especially when you're so use to living a certain way. But I was tired of the same old shit, so I figured why not.

I decided that I wasn't going to be sexually intimate with anyone unless I was in a committed serious relationship. I talked about commitment the other day & how important it is to have one when you like someone...and as I reach the last year of my 20s I can't be fucking around anymore. I had some amazing times, but I also had some really hard times and I was done playing this game of cat & mouse.

We as women are such incredible creatures. We deserve everything we want. And feeling comfortable in your relationship & knowing he's not going to peace out on you when you give it up is something I know we all want. But in order to achieve that we have to be strong. We have to be able to say no and wait until we have that commitment before anyone gets to experience the amazingness of us. I know saying no can be hard but think about it this way, don't you want to be with the guy who respects you for saying no & willing to wait than the guy who gives you shit for it & makes you feel bad? I feel like by sticking to something so simple as saying no we can save ourselves from a lot more heartache & wasted time with someone who was not the one.

Its worth a try.






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3.25.2014

love is the new black.


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i was on pinterest the other day and I came across a quote that really spoke to me. i don't really know why it spoke to me because it kinda confused me....


Love is the new Black. 


what do you think it means to you? No matter how we perceive it, there is one common goal behind the saying....there needs to be more love. I really liked the way my sister described the quote to her. She said "...love is eternal and doesn't 'go out of style'....make love always 'in'..".....and then it got me thinking. When did love really ever go 'out of style'?  Is that even possible with an emotion? I mean I guess I do feel like we have lost love in our world. People seem to be so much more angrier & unhappy then happy & in love. Why is that?

I really liked what my friend Chantelle, another single girl in her 20s, had to say about the loss of love in our world....


"People give up when it's hard. They do things they feel like doing, they think cheating is okay, they have hang outs instead of dating, don't believe in morality anymore, lack romance and think divorce is as simple as a situation of picking out what to wear in the morning."


Falling in love has been something constant in life forever. So much of what we do is because of love. But lately it feels like love is lacking all around us....and mainly in relationships. Nothing is traditional anymore. I almost envy my grandparents. They lived in a time when falling in love and marriage were actually taken seriously. When the mere mention of cheating was absolutely horrifying. When going steady with someone actually meant you were in the a serious committed relationship...not just 'having fun' with some guy.

'Having Fun'. I put that in quotes because it seems to be a good excuse for guys to use these days when you get to that point in your relationship when its time to have the talk. Most likely you, as in the girl, will be the one to bring it up. Guys hate talking about their feelings, nonetheless whats the deal between you, so he'll try to avoid the talk as long as he can. You know the talk. That time about 3 months into your relationship when you want to know what the f*ck is going on between you two....and when you ask him he says 'uh i don't know I'm having fun with you'...what the fuck does that mean?

Don't be scared to find out where your relations is going. Don't settle for 'having fun'. I was in a relationship once when I wouldn't want to bring up certain things because I knew the truth and I just didn't want to hear it.....but by doing that I ended up wasting a lot more time than I should've and getting even more hurt in the end. I promised myself I would never put myself in that type of situation again. It upsets me that we don't look at ourselves as amazing women that any guy should be HONORED to be with.Thats why we're afraid to have the talk. We don't value ourselves enough. We just settle for 'having fun' with the guy, wishing & hoping that eventually he will come around & make a commitment.

Now if you're just looking to have some fun then go for it. I believe we should all have that time in our 20s when we just 'have fun' with guys & live it up. But there comes a point when most us all want the same thing. We all want to find our dream guy, get married and start a family. I'm going to be 29 in May. I cannot lie, I defiantly thought I would be married by now, even with a child on the way. No joke. It's super weird as I sit here writing this to think how different my life really is than what I always imagined it to be. My sister is engaged to be married before me. And as happy as I am for her...& I am so extremely happy and excited for you ash!...but I never thought she would be the first one to get  married. My younger sister getting married before me?! What the fuck. But hey thats life....& that doesn't mean we should value ourselves any less. Just because we're venturing into our late 20s with no marriage in sight doesn't mean we need to be settling for whatever comes along and gives us the time of day.

We deserve the best. And you know why? Because we are the best. Men can think they run this world but really we do. Because how did they get here to run this world? US....theres a reason why men can't give child birth.

SO don't be afraid to ask for what you want. To find out if the guy you're seeing is just 'having fun' or actually sees this as something more serious. Don't waste your time waiting for him to decide. Don't you want to be with someone who is on the same page as you? Who wants to be serious with you? Not someone who you have to 'talk' into it. Think about it girls. I know you all know what i'm talking about. Its true what one of my favorite books says...if he's into you, he will make the time to see you. If he wants to be serious with you he will be serious with you. Guys know EXACTLY what they want. Don't let them get off. They're not as stupid and confusing as you think they are.


Trust me.






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3.03.2014

what happened to all the good men?

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I was reading through my facebook feed the other day and came across an article a guy friend of mine had posted. It was about men so of course I was interested. Men are such interesting and honestly confusing creatures that anything involving how to figure them out I love to read. I mean lets be honest, men really are from mars.

The article didn't turn out to be a handbook on the minds of men but it was something that made me think....

Now I am not trying to bash men or anything when I say this but lets be real, men have changed and I don't mean for the best....#sorryguys

Sure, there are still those few truly genuine nice guys out there but lets be honest...they are a rare breed and hard to find.

SO it got me thinking...what has happened to all the men? Or should I just call them boys.

Really though, its like they stopped growing up and want to live in Neverland forever. They have stopped courting girls and even wanting relationships. It's all about getting drunk with their buddies, going to a bar, finding a girl, taking her home...hooking up and that's it for them. Sure when they drop you off they'll mutter those 3 words you long to hear "I'll call you" but you and I both know they're just words. They're not actually going to call you....that old saying 'why buy the milk when you get the cow for free' is D E A D on!

I heard a guy friend of mine say once that if he meets a girl who is in her late 20s he stays away because he knows all she wants is to get wifed up...like we're some kind of disease.....let me tell you when I heard him say that I flipped a bitch.

What the fuck is so wrong with us wanting to find a guy who we can spend our lives with. Why does that make us weird or should I say crazy? If I had a dollar for every time some guy referred to us as being crazy I would be a millionaire....because clearly wanting to get married and have children in our late 20s makes us crazy weirdos.

Now I know some of you are reading this thinking I'm crazy because sure you're married and you found that nice guy...good for you, really that's wonderful....but in my life with my group of friends and what I see and hear around me this is what were dealing with...so I'm sorry if I offend any of you married girls & your men...but then again read the tagline...this is a blog about fashion & the SINGLE LIFE...#readwithcaution

I swear I got asked out on more dates when I was in high school than I do now. I've realized over these past months that our culture has become accustom to this 'hookup' phenomenon and frankly I blame US.

Yes, that's right you heard me. I blame us. The girls. We are letting guys get away with doing the bare minimum. We aren't requiring them to do the work. To ask us out. We let them get away with the 'come over and lets watch a movie' "date"....and I put 'date' in quotes because really we allllll know that's code for come over and hookup....and hooking up is not dating.

We seem to be so desperate for any type of relationship with a guy that we'll take whatever we can get....and I'm sorry but that's just bullshit. We deserve so much more. I mean hello, who makes this world go around?

We have forgotten that guys do know how to ask a girl out on a date. I mean they have been programmed for it since jr. high when we were all in Cotillion and they had to ask us to dance. So they know what they're suppose to do but because we let them get away with the bare minimum of course they're going to do that.

What we are not realizing as women is that we have all the power. You want to meet a nice guy and have him take you out, then you need to require it.  No more of the late night hookups or the group hangs. If a guy wants to see you then he needs to be asking you out. If that doesn't work for him, then MOVE ON.

Guys will do what we let them do. So we need to start respecting ourselves more and realizing that we are amazing, wonderful creatures and anyone would be lucky to be with us. So stop accepting the bare minimum. Hold yourself up to a higher standard. Say no to hooking up. I promise in the end it will weed out all the assholes and save you from a lot more heartache.




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