i ain't sorry

So.....it's been awhile; 2 years awhile...but something happened.

Don't worry nothing life or death but something that I haven't been able to wrap my head around completely. And it's been living inside my brain like a fish in a fishbowl. Going around and around, never ending. I can't keep living life like this, since really I had zero control over what happened.

Blogging was always a space for me to write about whatever, so I figured I'll just tell my story here. I hope that writing it out will help me process what happened....

I’ll take you back to about a month ago. I was working as a manager for a clothing company. I wasn't happy though. I was bored and over it. I had finally come to the realization that I was ready to leave the retail life forever. I started looking for jobs on Indeed.com mostly in social media / marketing since that is what my degree is in. I applied to various jobs I saw for social media / digital marketing, when I came across a job for a social media / marketing / wedding coordinator for a florist company in Newport Beach. The job posting was everything I was looking for and to get into the wedding industry was an extra bonus. I applied right away.

About an hour later I get an email back from the owner of the company Freddy saying to call him and he left his phone number. Me, being the type of person that I am, looked up the company. I read they were a family owned business for over 50 years and the #1 Wedding Florist in all Southern California. All the yelp reviews were great. I didn't really see any red flags or negatives. I called Freddy back and he told me he was walking into a meeting and to call him tomorrow.

I called him the next day in the morning. During our phone conversation he started explaining more about the position; how I would be doing all the social media and updating the website. He then asked me my experience and I told him. After about a 45-minute phone conversation he invited me in for an interview. I went in for my interview 2 days later at 8:30am.

I arrived early at 8:15am. The place was nothing like I expected. It was dirty, there was stuff on the floor everywhere, it was old and tacky. I felt like I had walked into the 1980s. There were large flat screen TVs everywhere, loudly playing interviews the owner had with brides about their flowers; over and over and over again. I know this because he had me wait until 9:00am until the actual interview started. 

I walked into his office and sat down while he started to smoke. Again he went over the job, same thing as before. Talked about re-doing the website and about being on more social media sites. He talked about what he expected from me. He said he would set up a desk for me etc. I told him ideas I had already had and how excited I was to dive right in. It was a good interview to say the least. At the end of it he offered me the job as the companies only Marketing / Wedding Coordinator. We went over money and a schedule. Never once did he imply that this would be a training period or a contract job. He wanted me to start right away and he was offering me more money that my current job so I took the leap and accepted the job effective immediately.

I QUIT my current job and was ready to go. He told me for the first WEEK he just wanted me to be around the shop and get a feel on how everything runs. He said we would have a marketing meeting 2 weeks from then. I had already written down pages of ideas for the company and ways to improve business so I was really excited to get started. 

I walk in on my first day and Freddy wasn’t there like he said he would be. An old man, lets call him Burt who could barely speak English and a young girl, lets call her Krista were working. I told them who I was and they just started at me. Burt then informed me that Freddy was in Florida until Tuesday (It was Saturday) and that he would call him to see what I should do. 

Meanwhile, Krista comes over to me and hands me a broom and says I can start sweeping the front. No, it was not in my job title to be cleaning the shop but whatever I took the broom. I started sweeping when Burt came and took the broom out of my hands. He told me I didn't have to clean and to organize the front and greet customers when they come in. 

So I did just that. About 15 minutes later Freddy calls the shop and wants to talk to me. He tells me NOT to clean or listen to what Krista says. He asks me if I am having a good time and if I am relaxed. I mention how they didn't know I was coming and I feel like there isn't anything for me to do considering he hadn't set up an office or anything for me yet. I had no access to a computer or the Internet. He told me to just hang around the shop and absorb everything.

He then informed me that his lawyer and his wife would be coming in to discuss their ideas on marketing for the shop. He also let me know that his lawyers wife, Brandi would be apart of the marketing as well. When I heard this my heart dropped a little. I didn’t know I was going to be working with someone else in regards to marketing, but I was curious as to what ideas she had as well. Freddy then said he would see me on Tuesday to discuss everything. 

There was one thing that did stand out during our conversation. He told me not to talk to Krista. He said don't ask her anything about the company because she is just a kid and doesn't know anything. Of course I thought it was weird and unprofessional he would say that but I just said ok. 

The lawyer and his wife were an hour late to our 1:00pm meeting. When they finally arrived they informed me they were in a hurry but just wanted to meet me real quick. They asked what ideas I had for the company and how I was going to take this business to the next level. I told them about some of my ideas pertaining to the website and their online presence. The lawyer and his wife both loved everything I was saying. We chatted for another 15 minutes about all the ideas we had and wanted to do. After the conversation I was even more excited about the future with this company. I was so happy we were all on the same page and I was excited to work with Brandi and execute all our ideas.

Besides my awesome meeting with the lawyer and his wife, I learned very little about the business except that most of their great yelp reviews come from customers who they offer discounts too. People were literally writing yelp reviews in the shop just to get $10 off flowers.

And then I was told this, from Krista of course:

“Freddy pays all his employees under the table. He never has you fill out a W2 or anything.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears. This guy actually runs this huge company but is paying all his workers under the table?!

I started to do that thing in your mind when you want to believe something so you start convincing yourself of it. I told myself that Krista was a liar and was just starting trouble. I tried to convince myself that maybe Freddy only pays his florists under the table and it will be different for me. I thought about the meeting I had with his lawyer and thought there is no way anything illegal can be going on with his lawyer being present in the company like that.

I was so annoyed, but it was my first day and Freddy wasn't there so I just pushed that comment to the back of my mind. 

After my first day, Burt told me to come back on Tuesday when Freddy would be back. So I went home a little discouraged, hoping things would be better Tuesday. 

Tuesday comes. I get there at 9am. Freddy isn't there until 2pm. There are 2 different people who also couldn't speak English very clearly working who I never met. They of course did not know I was coming. However, I couldn't call Freddy because he was on a flight from Florida. I was so very frustrated at this point. What is this company!? How can a company that is suppose to be the best florist in Southern California be this unorganized?! I wanted to scream. 

BUT being the nice girl that I am I asked if there was anything I could do to help them. These 2 other people, lets call them Matt & Jan were running around frantically to clean the place before Freddy got there. Matt hands me a broom and says I can sweep. Even though Burt and Freddy both told me not to clean, I still did it because hey I'm a team player. 

Now remember when I said the place was so dirty. There was stuff, mostly flowers, on the floor everywhere. So of course if I am going to sweep, I am going to sweep good, none of this ass half shit. So I am sweeping and actually getting the carpet clean when Matt comes over to me and tells me that I am sweeping wrong. Excuse me? I didn't know there was a correct way to sweep. He then goes on to tell me HOW TO SWEEP. I stopped him mid sentence and told him if he wants it swept a certain way then he can sweep it. He told me I was sweeping way too slow and that there were other things that needed to be done. So I said what else has to be done since you don't like the way I sweep. He then says the bathroom needs to be cleaned. 

That was it.

I dropped the broom. I told him I was hired to do the online marketing. Not to clean the bathroom. He went on to say everybody has to clean the bathroom. I reminded him that Freddy the owner specifically told me on Saturday not to clean. Maybe that was in his job description but it wasn't in mine. I told him I would wait until Freddy got there.

So that's what I did. I waited. I made sure to stay busy by greeting the very few customers that came in. I studied the website and wrote down more ideas I had for the company. 

At 2:00pm Freddy finally comes. However, he tells me he has a meeting right now and to go deliver flowers to a house and then go to lunch and that we will talk when I get back from lunch. 

I get back from lunch and the delivery at 3:00pm. He's in the middle of doing 10 things at once. Around 4:00pm he finally gets me to go grab something to drink and talk about the company because he felt it was too loud in the shop. 

We arrive at a local nice restaurant and he pulls right into the handicap spot and pulls out a handicapped sign. Maybe he was handicapped before, but he defiantly seemed fine now. So we go inside and order something to drink. During this hour meeting he talks about himself, a lot, the company, and what he wants from me. To be honest I felt like we had this conversation 3 times already: once over the phone, once in person during the interview and now here. I got out my notebook to take notes because I wanted to absorb as much information as possible. He told me to put it away and relax. He asks me my thoughts on his lawyer and Brandi. I told him how great our meeting went and how we all have the same ideas. After our 'business meeting' if you can call it that, we went back to the shop and he told me it was time to go home for the day. 

3rd day. Came in at 9am. What Krista said about being paid under the table was still haunting my mind. I was having nightmares about asking him. It was giving me complete anxiety. I was hoping my 3rd day would be the day the W2s would be filled out and all the other paperwork you have to fill out when joining a new business. That did not happen. 

I come in and Freddy is on the phone in his office with the door locked. Matt is there prepping flowers. He doesn't acknowledge me. I still have no desk, no computer, nothing. It being my 3rd day I didn't know what to do so I just greeted customers. I was also sent on another flower delivery. 

About 2 hours later of doing random stuff around the shop he calls me to his office. He first starts off by asking what I have learned about the company. So I tell him. He then goes on to say how he is not going to be changing the website. (Okay, that’s what I was hired for I think to myself). He goes on to tell me that he does not care to be on the social media sites. That he does not agree with all this technology and online crap. He does not want any new online marketing. All he cares about is getting brides in the shop to sign and spend money. 

I was so confused because I was hired to do the online marketing and social media. In the interview he specially told me he wanted me to re-do his website. I had a meeting with his lawyer and lawyers wife Brandi about the online marketing. And now he's saying no?! I stared at him blankly and asked him what is it he wanted me to do then? He then said get brides in here to sign and spend money. 

I knew this wasn't going to end well. 

Then all of a sudden in the middle of him talking about getting money from the brides, he pulls out his wallet stuffed with cash. He pulls out my time cards. He starts to calculate my hours for my first day. He then hands me cash and goes on to tell me that we get paid every week. I asked him if being paid cash was always how I was going to be paid and he said for now. Before I could even get a word out he says to me

'You're a nice girl, but you're not cut out for this business.’

He goes on to tell me that Brandi, his lawyers wife is going to take over the online marketing (even though he literally just said he didn’t want any online marketing) and he hands me cash for my remaining day and half of work and tells me that he will have Brandi call me in a few days and sends me on my way. 

Brandi never called. But I knew she wasn’t going to call. I knew once I asked about being paid under the table that was it for me.

What I am having trouble wrapping my brain around the most is how somebody can do this to another person. I quit my job for this man and that company. I have rent and bills to pay. Never once did I think this was going to turn out how it did. I found the job on Indeed.com nonetheless.

And now here I am, unemployed, looking for jobs because why? I trusted somebody? Is this really the cruel type of world we live in today? 

I thought writing this all out would make me feel better.....

 It did not. 

Be careful who you trust.


stop settling


Recently a girl reached out to me about her long term relationship and some issues she was dealing with. I felt honored that she respected my thoughts enough to want my opinion on everything....and then it got me thinking. This wasn't the first time I have had this talk with other girls. Hey, I even went through this exact feeling in my last relationship. Its something that I know is VERY hard to admit, not just to others but to yourself....and I hope in writing this and being open about it everyone who may be experiencing the same thing can find solace in the fact that you're not alone.

I have always been in love with love. Falling in love, being in love. Its one of, if not- is the best feeling in the world. Its a certain feeling you only feel with a select few. When your whole body is filled with butterflies and your stomach is constantly tied in knots. When just the mere touch of their hand on your shoulder runs tingles up and down your spine. Just the thought of them makes your body feel warm and your face light up. All you can think about is them. It's like you're living in a dream.

Love can be the most exciting thing in the world. But it can also be the scariest thing in the world. Being that open and vulnerable with someone. Its terrifying. Especially if you have been hurt before in the past.

I've told you before how I stopped believing in love after my last serious relationship. I just didn't think it existed anymore. I use to believe in soul mates. I really did think there was that one person out there for you and some how God was going to bring that person into your life. But here's where things went off track for me.....I knew the guy in my last relationship wasn't the one I was suppose to be with, yet I stayed with him..& put up a happy front. Why I chose to stay as long as I did, is something I still deal with. I knew deep down inside he wasn't the one for me. He wasn't my soulmate. I wasn't even in love with him. Sure I loved him as a person, as my best friend but I didn't have any of those crazy out of control feelings you experience when you're really in love. I mean, I did at first. Maybe the first few months of our relationship but even then things started out really shitty and I think the feelings were more one sided on my part than him.

Now I know those crazy feelings you feel in the beginning do not last forever. I get that. But it had gotten to a point where I didn't even want to kiss him. I didn't even want him to hug me. It just felt wrong. That can't be love....to not even want to kiss. And here I was staying with him, doing everything for him and for our relationship. But why? Why was I so content on making this thing work, when I knew in my gut he wasn't the one. My gut would scream at me..."kelly! he's not the one! what are you doing?! this is wrong and you know it!"

But I chose to ignore it. I made the intentional choice to ignore what my gut was telling me. I would try to justify it with stupid excuses. I was a fucking idiot to say the least. I wasted so much time with someone who never should've had me to begin with.

I realized I was staying in this relationship because it was comfortable. It felt safe. I told myself I rather be with him than get hurt again.

What the fuck was I thinking?

When I really sat down and thought about why I was trying to make it work with this person I knew the answer behind it. I was scared of being single. I was scared of dating shitty guys again and getting hurt. I was scared of being alone. I was basically risking true love and happiness because I was a fucking pussy. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. So I stayed in a relationship way longer than I should've and wasted my time.

However, there is a happy ending as you know....one day it just clicked. That was it. I wasn't going to settle anymore. I wasn't going to try and make this so called "relationship" work. I didn't love this person. This person clearly didn't love me....and did not deserve me. I was done being scared. I wasn't going to let the single life scare me anymore. I realized that I rather be alone and happy then to settle.

So I ended it. I finally did it. It was actually one of the most freeing days in my life. I knew I made the right choice. Thats what happens when you listen to your gut. All of a sudden everything in the world seems right again. There isn't that one thing weighing you down anymore. You're free.

Im telling you this because I know some of you are in the same situation right now and I want you to listen to your gut. Don't settle for good when you can have great. You know the truth deep down. Don't push it aside like I did.

Now the single life as I have expressed many times before has been intense. Dating is harder than ever....& the first few months of being single were hard...BUT it was better than being with him. I never once regretted my decision. And now as it inches towards almost a year since its been over....i am ready to love again. Of course I'm scared shitless to put myself out there and to fall in love....but I have started believing in love again and that feels good. I've learned so much over this past year and I finally feel confident in myself that I won't be settling for anything short of the best. Its going to be scary and there will always be ups & downs...but as How I Met Your Mother said it -

Loves the best thing we do. 

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naked pictures


Okay so I want to touch on a subject that has been happening a lot around me and to tell you why I think it has to stop.


Now there is a wide range of types of sexting. There's texting semi/nude photos, videos, texting dirty, sending dirty snapchats....and I am sure there's more that I just don't know about.

Personally I have never been a sexter. Its not my thing. But I know a lot of people who do it. Now it's one thing to get flirty via text but its a whole different game when you start to take it too far. Especially when your sexting with someone you aren't even serious with.

I just can't see the logic behind it as to why girls feel the need to text naked photos of themselves to guys they're talking too. Right off the bat you're already giving them the wrong impression. You girls, & I know not all of you, but the ones that are looking to settle down, what part of you thinks texting a naked picture to a guy gives the right message? You want a guy to take you seriously and like you for you, yet you're texting him naked pictures giving him the impression you're just looking for some fun.

Men are not going to take home the girl who texts naked photos to his mother. He's just not. But what I want to understand is WHY do we feel the need to do that? Is it because we are just so desperate for some attention we will risk everyone seeing that naked text just to hear 'hot' from the guy we like? Has it really come to that?

Come on girls, we are better than that! What happened to a little mystery? There are enough of those types of girls out there already....#sorrynotsorry

It's time to be different. Some how along the way we have lost sight of being the nice girls our parents brought us up to be. There aren't enough of those girls left anymore, but it doesn't have to continue being like that. We can be traditional when it comes to relationships. We don't have to succumb to what everyone else is doing around us. 

Different is a good thing.

Let's make being nice cool again. Being a hussy doesn't make you cool. Having respect for yourself and your body does.

Remember that.

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worth the wait.


In my last post I touched on sex and waiting until you're in a serious relationship to have it....& I had a friend ask me a question in regards to the post. She wanted to know that when put in that situation when things start to get all hot and steamy whats my reason?

My reaction was what do you mean whats my reason? You need to have a reason as to why you don't want to give your body to someone you're not sure about? It got to me because I feel like we as women feel the need to explain ourselves about something that doesn't really need explaining.

Let me explain.

Its one thing to be honest with your partner and let them know whats going on, but what I am referring to is that guy you've been hooking up with for a few weeks, that really hasn't even acknowledged what you are to him. That guy. We have all been 'with' that guy. I put 'with' in quotes because you and I both know you're not sure if you're officially with him or if you're just a hookup. Its that guy who always plays the 'why not' card. Who just assumes that after a few fun drunken hookups you're going to go all the way with him....& what I am trying to say is you don't have to explain and feel bad for what you're feeling.

Think about it girls, its like we feel bad for not being ready. Its like we're scared that they're going to get mad and leave us.......re-read what I just said - "we're scared that they're going to get mad and leave us"....does that really sound like the person we should be sleeping with? If a guy that you're interested in, that you have been hooking up with doesn't understand why you're not ready to sleep with him , he is not the guy you should be with. If he truly did want to be with you, he would be willing to wait because he knows that

You know I use to think guys like that didn't exist anymore. Guys that respected girls and weren't just after getting laid. When my mom would preach to me about it, I would roll my eyes and tell her that if those guys did exist they weren't living around me. I think I used to use that as an excuse as to why I would give it away so easily. Tell myself that everybody's doing it. Im never going to find and keep someone if I don't.

Stupid. So stupid. Because that wasn't true. It isn't true.

Those guys do exist we just have to wait to find them. We have to stop settling for what we have and wait until we get the real thing. I stopped believing in love after my huge breakup a year ago. I stopped believing in the real thing....but I realized if I truly wanted the real thing I had to work for it. And that meant having respect for myself and realizing that I am worth the wait.

We're all worth the wait.

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sex talk


So I want to talk about a touchy, kinda personal subject but I think its something that needs to be discussed openly.


It's everywhere. It's all everybody is doing & talking about. If you're not having sex, something is clearly wrong with you, right?


Before I go on though, let me start by saying I like sex as much as the next person but what i'm talking about is something different.

Lets go back to when you were a virgin. Holding onto your virginity was a big deal & not something you gave away so quickly. In my first serious relationship I was with my boyfriend for 8 months before I gave it away. I mean it could've been longer but nowadays thats like forever to some people.

I feel like after you lose it, it all goes downhill from there. You're not so quick to hold onto it for so long when you're in a new relationship. You kind of have the mentality of 'fuck it, i've already done it once'....and I did have that mentality for awhile. Giving away the milk for free. I've talked about it before, how the old saying 'why buy the cow when you get the milk for free'...is true. Its so simple yet so hard to practice.

SO why do we feel like we have to give it up so easily? Now I know a lot of girls aren't like that & are pretty classy about it all, but I also know a lot of girls that give it up way too soon and they wonder why the guy starts to disappear after.

I understand what its like to get caught up in your emotions & the moment...been there done that too many times...but let me tell you this --- every relationship that started where I gave it up too quickly, never, ever, worked out. They either ended right away...& let me tell you that's a brutal feeling, or they lasted a few months....that in reality, was just a shitty game of cat & mouse.

Its frustrating & hard. Your heart takes a few beatings, thats for sure...but when things aren't working in my life and I keep getting the same result, I change it. Change can be tricky. Especially when you're so use to living a certain way. But I was tired of the same old shit, so I figured why not.

I decided that I wasn't going to be sexually intimate with anyone unless I was in a committed serious relationship. I talked about commitment the other day & how important it is to have one when you like someone...and as I reach the last year of my 20s I can't be fucking around anymore. I had some amazing times, but I also had some really hard times and I was done playing this game of cat & mouse.

We as women are such incredible creatures. We deserve everything we want. And feeling comfortable in your relationship & knowing he's not going to peace out on you when you give it up is something I know we all want. But in order to achieve that we have to be strong. We have to be able to say no and wait until we have that commitment before anyone gets to experience the amazingness of us. I know saying no can be hard but think about it this way, don't you want to be with the guy who respects you for saying no & willing to wait than the guy who gives you shit for it & makes you feel bad? I feel like by sticking to something so simple as saying no we can save ourselves from a lot more heartache & wasted time with someone who was not the one.

Its worth a try.

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love is the new black.


i was on pinterest the other day and I came across a quote that really spoke to me. i don't really know why it spoke to me because it kinda confused me....

Love is the new Black. 

what do you think it means to you? No matter how we perceive it, there is one common goal behind the saying....there needs to be more love. I really liked the way my sister described the quote to her. She said "...love is eternal and doesn't 'go out of style'....make love always 'in'..".....and then it got me thinking. When did love really ever go 'out of style'?  Is that even possible with an emotion? I mean I guess I do feel like we have lost love in our world. People seem to be so much more angrier & unhappy then happy & in love. Why is that?

I really liked what my friend Chantelle, another single girl in her 20s, had to say about the loss of love in our world....

"People give up when it's hard. They do things they feel like doing, they think cheating is okay, they have hang outs instead of dating, don't believe in morality anymore, lack romance and think divorce is as simple as a situation of picking out what to wear in the morning."

Falling in love has been something constant in life forever. So much of what we do is because of love. But lately it feels like love is lacking all around us....and mainly in relationships. Nothing is traditional anymore. I almost envy my grandparents. They lived in a time when falling in love and marriage were actually taken seriously. When the mere mention of cheating was absolutely horrifying. When going steady with someone actually meant you were in the a serious committed relationship...not just 'having fun' with some guy.

'Having Fun'. I put that in quotes because it seems to be a good excuse for guys to use these days when you get to that point in your relationship when its time to have the talk. Most likely you, as in the girl, will be the one to bring it up. Guys hate talking about their feelings, nonetheless whats the deal between you, so he'll try to avoid the talk as long as he can. You know the talk. That time about 3 months into your relationship when you want to know what the f*ck is going on between you two....and when you ask him he says 'uh i don't know I'm having fun with you'...what the fuck does that mean?

Don't be scared to find out where your relations is going. Don't settle for 'having fun'. I was in a relationship once when I wouldn't want to bring up certain things because I knew the truth and I just didn't want to hear it.....but by doing that I ended up wasting a lot more time than I should've and getting even more hurt in the end. I promised myself I would never put myself in that type of situation again. It upsets me that we don't look at ourselves as amazing women that any guy should be HONORED to be with.Thats why we're afraid to have the talk. We don't value ourselves enough. We just settle for 'having fun' with the guy, wishing & hoping that eventually he will come around & make a commitment.

Now if you're just looking to have some fun then go for it. I believe we should all have that time in our 20s when we just 'have fun' with guys & live it up. But there comes a point when most us all want the same thing. We all want to find our dream guy, get married and start a family. I'm going to be 29 in May. I cannot lie, I defiantly thought I would be married by now, even with a child on the way. No joke. It's super weird as I sit here writing this to think how different my life really is than what I always imagined it to be. My sister is engaged to be married before me. And as happy as I am for her...& I am so extremely happy and excited for you ash!...but I never thought she would be the first one to get  married. My younger sister getting married before me?! What the fuck. But hey thats life....& that doesn't mean we should value ourselves any less. Just because we're venturing into our late 20s with no marriage in sight doesn't mean we need to be settling for whatever comes along and gives us the time of day.

We deserve the best. And you know why? Because we are the best. Men can think they run this world but really we do. Because how did they get here to run this world? US....theres a reason why men can't give child birth.

SO don't be afraid to ask for what you want. To find out if the guy you're seeing is just 'having fun' or actually sees this as something more serious. Don't waste your time waiting for him to decide. Don't you want to be with someone who is on the same page as you? Who wants to be serious with you? Not someone who you have to 'talk' into it. Think about it girls. I know you all know what i'm talking about. Its true what one of my favorite books says...if he's into you, he will make the time to see you. If he wants to be serious with you he will be serious with you. Guys know EXACTLY what they want. Don't let them get off. They're not as stupid and confusing as you think they are.

Trust me.

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